Well, who'd have thought it? After the flattering yet nevertheless emphatic 3-0 win in England, a closer contest on southern hemisphere pitches was widely predicted. But 3-0 to Australia? After only 3 matches?! Just about everything that could have gone wrong for Andy Flower's charges has, while Darren Lehmann could happily have written this script for Walt Disney only for it to have been rejected as being too sugary and fanciful.
AFter his superb batting last time out Down Under, expectations were high on Alastair Cook although three years ago he had none of the additional responsibilities of captaincy. Of course, he hasn't delivered and his first-baller to a brilliant Ryan Harris delivery yesterday was he nail in the coffin of England's defence of the little red urn. The loss of Jonathan Trott to a bout of depression was cruel but losing the form not only of the normally reliable opener but also the formerly world-class Matt Prior and Jimmy Anderson in particular suggests it wasn't just England who have been responsible for the hammering in the past three weeks. What on earth would they have done without the 82-page list of dietary requests which so amused the Aussie public?!
Brisbane was an unmitigated disaster but maybe that was down to unfamiliarity with a reinvigorated Mitchell Johnson, a lack of practice and losing the sledging battle. Adelaide saw another huge defeat but of course that was down to a lost toss, Trott and a fierce moustache or two. At Perth it would all be different. All England's towering seamers, seemingly picked with the WACA in mind, would extract the pace and bounce required to scare the hell out of Clarke, Warner et al. So what happened? Neither Finn, Rankin nor Tremlett were even considered, and in came the barely-fit, medium-pace ex-talisman Tim Bresnan to give the side a 'better shape'. D'oh!! And to put the tin lid on it, the tiny 6 ft 5 inch Stuart Broad has his foot broken by a Johnson yorker.
Yet the Australians have been absolutely brilliant in almost every aspect of the game. The only slight negative has been Chris Rogers, although he, too, scored a half-century in the Perth second innings while at the other end, feisty David Warner flayed the once invincible English attack to all parts for his second century of the series. Michael Clarke's captaincy hasn't affected his batting in the same way as Cook's and even Steve Smith won the Man of the Match award in the decisive third game. What's more, when you need to go for quick runs and rub Pom noses into the dirt, who better to turn to than Shane Watson and George Bailey who delivered to perfection.
Mitch Johnson has been a revelation, of course, but Ryan Harris has shown what a world-class swing and seam merchant he can be when fit, and the ever-dependable Peter Siddle has put the hex on Kevin Pietersen to such an extent that KP can only hoik the ball unerringly to a fielder. And Nathan Lyon has chipped in, too, unlike the supposedly superior Graeme Swann.
The Aussie fielding has been far better, too, with the wicketkeeping of Brad Haddin particularly impressive, adding eight catches to his tally in Perth. The 36 year-old, in only his sixth year as a Test player, has also excelled with the bat in a mirror image of Prior's decline. He has accumulated 325 runs in five innings, passing fifty four times. Crucially his main contributions have come when the middle-order have wobbled early on during the first two Tests, and he has brilliantly added valuable late-order runs supported by Johnson, Harris et al.
Let's not forget that, for all the Aussie celebrations (and no pissing on the pitch unlike England's infamous drunken antics at The Oval) and Cook's downbeat press conferences, there are still two matches yet to play. Even though the Ashes are lost, Cook's side must fight to restore a little pride. Some of the grit demonstrated by new boy Ben Stokes in his 120 today would be welcome for a start. Jonny Bairstow deserves a starting place with the gloves, not because Prior is finished but because he is dreadfully out of form. The Yorkshire-Durham axis may give England's dressing room a boost, too, and I'm sure Bairstow could give as good as he gets in the banter stakes.
Melbourne and Sydney have been kinder to England on previous tours but psychological and physical recovery from the first three fixtures will be a tough ask. Cook winning the toss with an obvious decision could provide assistance but who would bet against England opting to bat first only for Watson, Siddle and Smith to rip through them by teatime? Just as the teams of Border, Taylor, Waugh and Ponting would have done, Clarke's squad will not rest until they have achieved a whitewash. This is payback, and humiliation of the old enemy - and the inevitable Test retirement of KP - will be the icing on the cake!
